OUR OLD LADY

Thinking about our cat Winky.  She's approaching a ripe old age for a cat.  She turned 14 years old on April 23rd.  I know this because that was the first date Bob and I had and I got her 6 weeks later.  I'll never forget the look on his face when I brought her over to his house.  I had gotten her from a friend that needed to get rid of the family of kittens that she had and me, being a sucker for a cute face, took one.  I had two cats already and a dog.  Bob looked at me and asked, "Do you know that having another cat is for life, right?  That's like another 15 years or so that you'll have to take care of her."

This was his prelude to our future life.  Good thing he got over it.  I mean we have had as many as 75 animals at once on this farm.

Again, I am a SUCKER for a cute face and helping people out when they need a new home for their animals.  I've taken in goats, cats, dogs, chickens, horses and ducks.  And loved everyone of them!  I would not change a thing.

Winky's been around a long time and has copped an attitude. Mostly because of her first experience in life when i brought her home to my house in Crystal Lake, Illinois when she was a little squirt. I set her down next to our dog Nigel and he immediately attacked her! Chased her around the house and tried to eat her alive.  She was never the same after that…Can't blame her there!

She was always stand offish for the most part, staying only with Sam and hanging with her best bud Fuzzy.  But when we moved here, she basically became the barn cat.

 Never came near the house.  An after Fuzzy died, she wouldn't even talk to us anymore.  Until this winter.  She decided that the house was a little bit warmer than my 55 degree studio or the -10 degree barn.  We let her in and she's been hanging ever since.  She knows and we know.  She's feeling her age.

Except for the other day when I caught her playing!!! She was playing with the window shade string.  Cute.  it lasted about 30 seconds, but she played!
Way to go Winky!

And she took over Cashew's beddy-bye basket!

I'M NOT A PERFECT PERSON

No, I'm not.  Sometimes I am so taken aback by people when they complement me because I don't see myself in the same light they do.  I love that they are so happy for me!  Yet, i feel like maybe i am putting up a front to who I really am.  I mean I am pretty much an open book, I really don't have anything to hide and I pretty much do not care what people think of me (any bad things anyway). I'm just a normal person trying to live my life the best I can and not come out too damaged.

So with this being said, let's go back in time to Dawn at age 12.  That's when the whole depression thing started, or when I noticed it.  And I really noticed it. I was so depressed that thoughts of suicide where foremost in my mind.  I know, I don't seem like the type, and I no longer am, but I have to work really hard to make myself stay positive, this doesn't come naturally to me.  At least it does a little more now then it did in the past.  I eventually got over that depression, but I don't think ever fully.  I've been treated several times for depression and each time, after I feel good for a while, i go off the meds and think that mind over matter will keep me happy.  Well, that works, for a little bit, but pride is not something that will treat depression.  One can't talk themselves out of it, it is something that has to be treated whether with cognitive therapy, medication or a combination of both.  One time I was doing so well without the meds my therapist told me to get out of his office, that I didn't need him anymore - signed bill of good health!  Well, I was doing extremely well and I walked outta there feeling better than ever!

That lasted a couple years and again I found myself falling down the deep drain.  Problem is, with depression and with my silly pride, I try to make excuses that I am not sick, "It's this damn winter!" "Well if they wouldn't be so stupid!"  "I just need some down time."  "Once spring gets here and the sun is shining, I'll be much better." and the lists of excuses go on.  But when you find yourself starting to hate everyone for speaking to you, even though they are doing the things that they always do everyday and it's annoying the shit out of you, you don't want to get outta bed in the morning, only want to pull the covers over your head and lay there -just a little while more you think to yourself, or when you find that you make excuses for not feeling like doing something that you need to do, like take care of the animals or do the laundry (well, I don't have to do the laundry around here - Bob likes to do the laundry - I know!), or when the thing you love to do the most (like ride my horse) ends up being followed by, "Oh geez, it takes so long to saddle up and get to the park, that half my day is gone."

 No, that's not well, that's depression.  And the sad part is you don't really see yourself getting that bad, someone has to point it out to you,  again, pride. Pride because I have absolutely nothing to complain about, was my rational.  I am so blessed and lucky with all the things I am, have, experience, live with, be a apart of, live, work, all the love and friendship I have, what right to have to complain?  Which is why pride got in the way of reality.  If you complain, Dawn, then you are no better than they are.

Well, I was recently at this point.  I thought about it months earlier but it really became something to blame on this long winter and other things that happen in life, but it wasn't until it was brought to my attention that I realized I had let this get too far  - again.

I went to the doctor and hopefully things will look up in the next few weeks and I will back to normal (Not that that's really possible for a person like me ; ) )  but what hurts the most is the people I've hurt along the way, allowing my pride (I don't need drugs to be well, I can do this on my own! - bullshit!) to get in the way of functioning properly.  I've been impatient, short, and probably a bitch to a whole lot of people.  My patience runs short when I am depressed and I fall short of accomplishing things that need to get done. I put things off til the last minute, or make excuses.  I thought back to when this downward spiral was happening again and it must've started three to four years ago!  That's too long!  I remember saying and doing things that were reminiscent of a depressive state, and then blaming that on being too busy.  I remember having no patience ( I know, me?)  I also think back to how I've treated others and feel ashamed that I didn't get help earlier.

I am human.  I make mistakes.  I also suffer from depression.  And not that I am using it for an excuse, I'm using it to explain why I am who I am lately: a 'don't want to go out, I just want to stay home for once', and thinking to myself;  'I just want you to shut up', 'please just go away', 'leave me alone', 'I don't care about you or your problems.' I'm not the this type of person, so i knew something was going on, I was just too tired to notice.

I've worked very hard over the years on myself, I even went and got a masters degree in human development, trying to figure out people and myself better.  I practice everyday at becoming a better person and a better friend.  I always put myself in another person's shoes before or if I ever judge them, I find time to learn new things and seek out mental, physical and spiritual health.  And I've come along way since my pre-teen days, but I will always need to be seeking self improvement.  I will always be looking for another way to better myself in life. To become the best person I can be. For now, I have to swallow my pride and realize that the meds are not just a crutch to get me through the hard times, it has to be there all the time, like the armature of a home, without it, it will crumble.  and that doesn't have to be an ugly thing, just a necessary thing.

Again I want to apologize to anyone I've hurt along the way by letting my pride get in front of my necessary needs.

I am human.  I have rose from the ashes many times.  I like to joke and say I have a Doctorate in life and circumstance, which I do. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not perfect, I'm just like everyone else.

See me in a month or two and you will see the real me.

THE CHAT - THIS TIME I PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE FACE!

Yes, this winter is getting to me.  I wanna punch people in the face!  This statement came outta nowhere in this chat and it's still the funniest thing I've said in years.  I wonder though… is it really funny or is it one of those, "Guess you had to be there?"

Not sure.  Oh well!  Hope you find it amusing at least!  or that you can relate.

The Chat - they've got pet peeves up their sleeves!

MY SHOULDERS ARE STUCK TO MY EARLOBES

earlobes. shoulders. stuck. together.

Yes, this is what is happening to me right now.  It's not like I really live a stressful life, but something very stressful happened last week to me.  So stressful that I thought my entire reputation could have been ruined and that led to the glueing of my shoulders to my earlobes.  You know what I mean, when your shoulders keep rising closer and closer to your ears as you are stressing out?  I'm clinching my teeth and fuming, scrambling to save my reputation from being flushed down the toilet, all because I trusted someone, and I probably shouldn't have.  Oh well, live and learn in that matter.

However when it leads to one being so stressed out that my entire body goes into shock and I can't move my neck and the pain is so excruciating that even double doses of Tylenol with Codeine don't stop the pain, then you know you are in trouble. And it's time to take a break. I work hard to try and stay in homeostasis - on a daily basis really - but this incident really hurt.  I've been a victim of stress since I was a teenager, suffering from an estranged esophagus when I when 17, so I do my best to keep some down time on my agenda as much as possible, meditate and take long trial rides when possible to forget about reality.

So I made an appointment to see my chiropractor today.  He unglued my earlobes form the top of my shoulders and I feel a little better and get to go back tomorrow, although I'm not heeding most of his advice: stay off the computer, don't ride a horse, and drink some wine.  One out of three ain't bad.  Ok, two, I just am on the computer.

So this one will be short because I can already feel the tension coming back into my shoulders and my health means more to me then most things.  And maybe I'll save myself if my editor from Fuel Your Photography reads this, he'll understand why I didn't get that article written yet.

SCARRED BY OATMEAL

 I was scarred as a child.  Several times, but the worst was the oatmeal incident.

Let me explain. I was in middle school, on a week long camp, staying in a cabin with five other girls.  It was torture really.  Except for the nature hikes and the cooking of some of our meals in the great outdoors.  If I remember correctly, it was organized by the school and cost quite a bit of money to sign up for it.  But I guess I thought it would be more fun at the time.  Really, it wasn't that bad.  Just … well… it was the oatmeal.

We had a couple meals that the camp counselors took us out in the woods to cook over an open fire, which was great, especially when we made tacos the one night.  Our counselor, Karen led the pack that night and assigned each one of us a task at preparing the meal.  "Dawn, you chop the lettuce, and Stacy, you prepare the meat, and Steve, you cut the cheese."

A round of murmured giggles ensued.

She didn't get it.

 So she kept saying that, "Steve, you cut the cheese."  After each statement the volume of our giggles became increasingly louder.

She still didn't get it.

Until we finally burst out in full blown laughter did she finally ask, "What?  What is so funny?"

I took us nearly an hour to contain our laughter long enough to spit out the explanation, "You keep saying Steve cut the cheese!"  and more laughter would ensue. On the ground rolling laughter.

"What?  What does that mean?"  Karen asked.

"It means …. (giggle, giggle)  that he ….(giggle)  FARTED!"

The uproarious laughter echoed throughout the forest.

(Middle school humor)











So for the rare exception of cutting the cheese and making tacos, most of the meals were prepared by the kitchen staff in a great big dining hall.  Several mornings we had great breakfasts consisting of eggs and sausage, one day there were pancakes, and one day there even was bacon!  Oh, be still my heart! Then there was Thursday morning breakfast.

I came into the dining hall waiting eagerly for some tasty things to inhale after not eating for 12 hours (another scary part of not being in a place where you can have food anytime you want - I need to eat every few hours, it's my metabolism).  As I walked into the hall and took my seat at the cool kids table (just kidding, I was never the cool kid), I noticed what looked to be a mushy type of rice in the middle of the dining table.  There were bowls of brown sugar, regular sugar, honey and some small glasses of cream.  I turned to the girl beside me and asked, "What is it?"  She answered, "Oh awesome!  It's oatmeal!"  I didn't want to sound stupid so I agreed, "Awesome, oatmeal."  Still not sure what the heck it was or what I should do with it.

I sat there quietly for a moment, adjusting my shirt and napkin, waiting to see what others would do with the rancid looking oatmeal.  They took a bowl, filled it up with the pasty white stuff and proceeded to pour all kinds of crap into it.  Trying to appear like I knew what I was doing, I did the same thing, grabbed a bowl and slowly filled it with the white glop.  I wanted to see if it was edible before I added anything to the mixture, because I felt that adding more stuff would really waste the good stuff - like the sugar.  I have a problem with wasting food.  Probably has something to do with another childhood incident.

Then it happened.  I opened my mouth, placed the spoon with the pasty, white glob of rancid goo on it into my mouth.  As I sat there for  moment, I thought to myself, "I could spit this out across the room and be made fun of for the entire remainder of the week at camp and be the laughing stock in school for the remainder of the year, or I could swallow it and gag til the cows came home."  I chose the latter.  I sacrificed myself.

When I finished washing that crap down with an entire glass of water, I looked around the room for some saving grace - a piece of fruit, a saltine cracker - anything that would curve my hunger pangs and allow me to get the heck of sight of this white glob and sucky oatmeal.  Nothing.  NOTHING!

So to save face, I decided to try what others were doing:  adding stuff to it.  First I tried some milk, that just watered it down and made it appear to be tapioca pudding, which in my opinion is the most disgusting creation known to man.  So I held back another gagging episode and went in for the brown sugar.  And then I added butter, then some honey.  At this point the food in my bowl no longer resembled food, it resembled baby shit.  That was all I could take.  I ran from the room, out the back door and hurled.

And then starved until lunchtime.

So this is why, when I read that oatmeal was excellent for controlling cholesterol, I revisited the notion of eating the crap.

Bob has been eating it for years in his cereal, so we had some in the house.  I have made many a good oatmeal cookie over the years too, so  it's not like I banned oatmeal from the premises in a attempt to remove the permanent scar I incurred on the fateful day back at the camp.

I opened the cupboard, found the oatmeal and read the directions.  Poured some water in the bowl and added the instant oats and nuked it for a minute.  I pulled it out of the microwave and began having flashbacks!  I stood there looking at the glob and light brown goo and started to feel nauseous.  But I braved on.  I took a spoon, closed my eyes, and with all the might I could muster - and with the occasional pause and shake - I put the goo in my mouth.

Suddenly I knew.  That the middle school camp chefs had no idea how to cook oatmeal! I had suffered in that moment from childhood for no reason but probably to the quiet pleasure of the camp counselors watching me barf out the back door. This tasted like warm, wonderful oats!  No more thoughts of baby poop, no more thoughts of upchucking!  I had found something that actually tasted - well -ok. I added a little salt and pepper and some butter and all was well with the world.

Now I think that if everyone could conquer their fears of oatmeal like I did, the world would be freed of all their burdens.

DEATH - AGAIN

We lost another family member this morning, Barry the Pekin duck.  He passed away after what seemed to be just growing old.  I  knew he was going but he wasn't suffering, just growing old and tired. We've had him for about 5 years which is a long life for a duck.

I remember for a couple years in a row, when we would open the pool in the spring and the water would be uninhabitable for people, but perfect for ducks, we would bring the ducks down to the pool and let them swim and swim!  It was fun to watch them disappear under the murky water, only to guess and wonder where they would appear when they resurfaced!  What joy they would express with their quaking and diving, all the time we would watch and be in awe of their revelry.

It was sad to see him out there, growing old, how his legs wouldn't work like they used to ( I can relate, Barry) and how his fellow duck friends would stand by his side every day for the last couple of days, seemingly anticipating the impending death and showing their support.

It was such a beautiful sight, watching his friends take care of him, showing him that he was well loved. Last week I had the pleasure of going to see a performance of Tuesday's with Morrie based on the popular book at the Rochester Civic Theatre. The way all these people came out to see Morrie, recognize his life and give him credit for the life he lived, that is beauty!  In the play, Morrie even mentions that he throws himself a funeral!  I wonder if Barry thought that?  I know I would.  Once I'm gone, I'm gone and that's no fun, I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to all the people I've loved in my life.  I wouldn't be able to see and hug them one last time if I were to wait and have a funeral after I die.  So be prepared people - if I know I'm goin' any time soon, there will be a party!

Barry lived a good life, he had many lovers, lots of good water to play in, great food, and some real good friends to be by his side through it all.

Isn't that all we really need?

Barry (right) with friend Uno

DEATH IS ALL AROUND A FARM

I was out enjoying the beautiful weather the other day with my camera in tow (of course!), and looked up to notice something on the side of the barn.  Luckily I had my 70-200mm lens on my camera so I could take a better look at what it was.  Sadly it was a bird who apparently had went to enter a hole in the side of the barn and it's foot got caught in a crack under the hole.  I looked and looked and couldn't determine if it was alive or not.

I thought for a moment, " If it is alive, I can't just leave it there to suffer!"  So I walked out to the pole barn looking for the long ladder.  Then I thought to myself, "If it's dead, I would have just carried a 100 lb ladder over to the barn for nothing."  So I thought maybe I would go get my 300mm lens and see if I could tell if it was alive or not before I did something like that.  It didn't look like it was moving but sometimes you just can't tell with the wind and such.

Well, I am truly sorry to say but the little thing was dead, caught in the side of a barn by it's leg.  It must've flapped and flapped it's wings until it just passed out.  Do animals that go through something like that, just admit defeat and die?  OR do they stay there until they starve to death?  I think they admit defeat and die, the way it should be, without too much suffering.

I wish people had such options as that.  Makes me think that we hang on to things longer then we should in life, if something isn't working, let it go.  If we aren't in the right position, let it go.  If we are dying, let us go.  Why hang on? I like to live my life to the fullest every day, linger in the moment and know that each day is a blessing because who knows how much time we have?  Animals do that, they live in the moment, why as humans do we let our selves suffer and run the rat race in hopes that someday we can retire?  I'm already retired: retired to a lovely little farm, with great animals, friends and beautiful gifts of life.  I actually worked on the computer for 8 hours yesterday; I felt like I had one of those real jobs, ya know the 9-5 jobs most people have?  And I got down on my knees and thanked the dear Lord that I will never have to have one of those!  I couldn't possible do that!  I'd die, just like that little bird did, flapping my wings repeatedly hoping someone would notice me dying and then, just give up.

No siree!  I am meant to be a farm girl!

JUST ONE THING

 I get so many new ideas on a regular basis, that's just the creative me - always creating - I can't help myself and I don't know what to do anymore.  They say do one thing and do it better then anybody else, that's how you succeed in business.  But what about people like me?  are there people like me?  people who get excited when the new Hoegger Goat Supply catalog comes in the mail?  Not only because of the new items in the catalog but because of the adorable pictures of the goats in there? Are there people like me that will stop and take a picture of their food because they want to capture that steam coming off the hot soup?  Like me who looks at things and wonders what to create from it; I have apples- I should make chutney or hard cider or applesauce or pie or apple turnovers.  I've got goat milk - I should make cheese or butter or soap or shampoo or ice cream.   Are there people like me that get excited when the vegetable seed catalogs arrive and all I can think about is how to expand the garden or plant some new things I haven't planted before or design a new trellis for the pole beans.  Are there people like me that look at what some might consider garbage and see a new dining room table or plant stand?  Are there people out there that are this crazy? Because it's driving me crazy lately. Why can't I just focus on ONE THING?

It's a curse really to be this creative.  I've been rehashing my life lately; what I've done, what I haven't , why I have done something, and why I didn't. Where should I go and what should I do for my life?  I have so many letters after my name, too many, and for what?  Am I using them?  Not all the time and I am ok with that. Can I just do one thing?  Do I really want to do just one thing?  Is it truly possible for me?  If I have ever done just one thing I am sure I got sick of it after a few years and did something else, including some relationships.

I've been thinking about all the things that bring me joy in my life and how I can use them for success in business, but then I realized that if I focus on the money all the time, then I won't be doing what I love for the love of it, I'd be doing it for the opposite reasons, and thus - the love would be gone.

I thought maybe it was time to focus on just one thing and work it until it was so successful that I could retire in 5 years.  But I thought about it some more, and I realized that's not who I am. And when Samantha and I went and saw the movie, We Bought a Zoo! yesterday, I realized some other things too.

So I have decided that it is impossible and not probable for me to do just one thing.  That I will be doomed to forever not succeed in business because I can't just focus on one THING. I may not be able to be successful in business but I will/am successful in happiness by doing the things I love. {grateful sigh}

I will embrace my silly ways and create my products, projects and life in the way I see fit.  I will spend time with my ponies, time in my garden, time on my art, work with my photography, and be who I was meant to be: Dawn Sanborn, RENAISSANCE WOMAN!

TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT

Life on the farm can be so rewarding, exhausting and confusing all at the same time.   I look back on these 8 crazy years on the farm and all that we accomplished and I am amazed at how much got done, what we've all gone through, how much fun, heartbreak, and pleasantries we've experienced, and how exhausted we feel most of the time. But what is it that I see for the rest of the years we will be here (yes, the rest of our lives)? Our list is small this year on the "Things To Do"  which means we've done a WHOLE LOT. But now what?  With my little birds either flying the coop or thinking about it, the farm will never be the same as it was, so where do we go from here?

Whether we like it or not, we have to pay our bills, so that means we have to make some cash to pay Peter, Paul, Tom, Dick and Harry and I am sure a dozen others nowadays.  After looking at the cash flow for this farm, it looks like I might have to moonlight or Paul is gonna hire Guido to off me.  So dreams of this farm have to become a reality sooner then later.

Our goals for this year:

• Slowly do all the updating of the Barn Bar so it can become a real event center

I found this picture on line and it made me dream the our barn could look this way or even better:

• I'm only gonna plant in the garden what we can use and put up ourselves - just a little extra to sell to local restaurants as well as the eggs
• Make more goat milk soap and shampoo & conditioner
• Work more on my photography
• Finish the outdoor kitchen this year - complete with hot tub
• Do market only when it feels good, it's never been a big bread winner so don't put energy in where it's wasted
• Do some horse back riding lessons - I have horses, use them

This may seem like minor adjustments that don't seem real bread winning, but Bob will be retiring some day soon and I think having the Barn Bar as his toy (all the time) will be the perfect retirement gig, and income winner.  And be awful fun!  How many get to do that in their retirement?

THE NEW CHICKS ON THE BLOCK ARE HOT!

Due to an overabundance of chickens at their farm, our friends, Jay and Renee Mallek, decided they didn't want to keep the new chicks that their hen hatched last week.  They gave them all away and we got two of them.  I'm always looking to increase the flock and since we lost 5 ducks and 5 chickens to some predator this summer, I am running low.

Hard part is - hens shouldn't be getting broody this late in the season because whose gonna keep them babies warm?

Well, I just so happen to have this wonderful little granary that we fixed up into a house for Bob's dad and thus - it's heated.  Lucky chicks get the whole basement.

the chicks in the plastic bin, they already miss their Moma

I put one of the 'walls' over the pen so they don't hop out

Right now I put them up into a plastic bin and will move them into the four-sided, portable enclosement I made several years ago as they get a little bigger.  Just the two of them in there and a heat lamp, they will be fine.

I told Renee that if they are roosters I will be returning them.  We'll find out in about 6 months if they start crowing!

But they are really cute anyway!

Speaking of broody, it made me think of how amazing animals are at being so adaptable to whatever comes their way.  They don't 'brood' over something that 'happens' to them, they seem to just think to themselves, "Well, what am I gonna do about it?"  And they move on.

It's this acceptance of change or "problems" that is so difficult for some people, and paying attention to what animals do makes it so much clearer to me.

But what is "acceptance?" It can be one of the hardest concepts to understand (think serenity prayer), but achieving it can be difficult. 

We are all creating our lives every second of time, and every thought we have or decision we make throughout our day affects the whole of whom we are.

If you can think of yourself as the driver of the car of life, the one you are now creating, the whole world opens up to you; the roads are endless! What's better than to create the best life you can for yourself? Time to get behind the wheel and drive, baby! Road trip!

Everybody has the same lessons to learn—they simply appear to us in different ways. If you are feeling sorry for yourself for something "bad" that has happened to you,  it's okay; there is nothing wrong with taking some time to feel sorry for yourself or your situation. (Lord knows - I have!) That tends to bring you back to clarity. But what does matter is how much time you spend in that energy and how long it takes for you to pick yourself up and take action toward acceptance and moving on. Being in acceptance does not mean that you settle for a situation. It means that you are at peace with it, and that is when you are fully in your power.


I've never met an animal that didn't understand this concept or that wallows in their misery.  They take what life hands them and move on.  Who couldn't learn from that?


~ When life hand you a pile, think "Woohoo! Fertilizer! ~


it's the only thing a farmer can do.

TOP FIVE REGRETS

 I don't believe in regrets: they are the past crippling the future, but sometimes I think that we all need to hear these things about ourselves. I know I'm not that old, yet, but I think constantly on how I can live a better life, be a better person and love more and all the time see with nothing but heart.  So this moved me and I thought I would share:

 

Top Five Regrets of The Dying

December 1, 2011 By T Kelly

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Source:
http://www.activistpost.com/2011/11/top-5-regrets-of-dying.html