No, I'm not. Sometimes I am so taken aback by people when they complement me because I don't see myself in the same light they do. I love that they are so happy for me! Yet, i feel like maybe i am putting up a front to who I really am. I mean I am pretty much an open book, I really don't have anything to hide and I pretty much do not care what people think of me (any bad things anyway). I'm just a normal person trying to live my life the best I can and not come out too damaged.
So with this being said, let's go back in time to Dawn at age 12. That's when the whole depression thing started, or when I noticed it. And I really noticed it. I was so depressed that thoughts of suicide where foremost in my mind. I know, I don't seem like the type, and I no longer am, but I have to work really hard to make myself stay positive, this doesn't come naturally to me. At least it does a little more now then it did in the past. I eventually got over that depression, but I don't think ever fully. I've been treated several times for depression and each time, after I feel good for a while, i go off the meds and think that mind over matter will keep me happy. Well, that works, for a little bit, but pride is not something that will treat depression. One can't talk themselves out of it, it is something that has to be treated whether with cognitive therapy, medication or a combination of both. One time I was doing so well without the meds my therapist told me to get out of his office, that I didn't need him anymore - signed bill of good health! Well, I was doing extremely well and I walked outta there feeling better than ever!
That lasted a couple years and again I found myself falling down the deep drain. Problem is, with depression and with my silly pride, I try to make excuses that I am not sick, "It's this damn winter!" "Well if they wouldn't be so stupid!" "I just need some down time." "Once spring gets here and the sun is shining, I'll be much better." and the lists of excuses go on. But when you find yourself starting to hate everyone for speaking to you, even though they are doing the things that they always do everyday and it's annoying the shit out of you, you don't want to get outta bed in the morning, only want to pull the covers over your head and lay there -just a little while more you think to yourself, or when you find that you make excuses for not feeling like doing something that you need to do, like take care of the animals or do the laundry (well, I don't have to do the laundry around here - Bob likes to do the laundry - I know!), or when the thing you love to do the most (like ride my horse) ends up being followed by, "Oh geez, it takes so long to saddle up and get to the park, that half my day is gone."
No, that's not well, that's depression. And the sad part is you don't really see yourself getting that bad, someone has to point it out to you, again, pride. Pride because I have absolutely nothing to complain about, was my rational. I am so blessed and lucky with all the things I am, have, experience, live with, be a apart of, live, work, all the love and friendship I have, what right to have to complain? Which is why pride got in the way of reality. If you complain, Dawn, then you are no better than they are.
Well, I was recently at this point. I thought about it months earlier but it really became something to blame on this long winter and other things that happen in life, but it wasn't until it was brought to my attention that I realized I had let this get too far - again.
I went to the doctor and hopefully things will look up in the next few weeks and I will back to normal (Not that that's really possible for a person like me ; ) ) but what hurts the most is the people I've hurt along the way, allowing my pride (I don't need drugs to be well, I can do this on my own! - bullshit!) to get in the way of functioning properly. I've been impatient, short, and probably a bitch to a whole lot of people. My patience runs short when I am depressed and I fall short of accomplishing things that need to get done. I put things off til the last minute, or make excuses. I thought back to when this downward spiral was happening again and it must've started three to four years ago! That's too long! I remember saying and doing things that were reminiscent of a depressive state, and then blaming that on being too busy. I remember having no patience ( I know, me?) I also think back to how I've treated others and feel ashamed that I didn't get help earlier.
I am human. I make mistakes. I also suffer from depression. And not that I am using it for an excuse, I'm using it to explain why I am who I am lately: a 'don't want to go out, I just want to stay home for once', and thinking to myself; 'I just want you to shut up', 'please just go away', 'leave me alone', 'I don't care about you or your problems.' I'm not the this type of person, so i knew something was going on, I was just too tired to notice.
I've worked very hard over the years on myself, I even went and got a masters degree in human development, trying to figure out people and myself better. I practice everyday at becoming a better person and a better friend. I always put myself in another person's shoes before or if I ever judge them, I find time to learn new things and seek out mental, physical and spiritual health. And I've come along way since my pre-teen days, but I will always need to be seeking self improvement. I will always be looking for another way to better myself in life. To become the best person I can be. For now, I have to swallow my pride and realize that the meds are not just a crutch to get me through the hard times, it has to be there all the time, like the armature of a home, without it, it will crumble. and that doesn't have to be an ugly thing, just a necessary thing.
Again I want to apologize to anyone I've hurt along the way by letting my pride get in front of my necessary needs.
I am human. I have rose from the ashes many times. I like to joke and say I have a Doctorate in life and circumstance, which I do. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not perfect, I'm just like everyone else.
See me in a month or two and you will see the real me.
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